I Joined A Men's Group And It Changed Me

When I made my commitment at the beginning of this year - 2019 - to build better relationships, be they new or existing, I did wonder if I would be able to achieve it.

As with most incidents of ‘resolution-making’, I was conscientious in my efforts in the first month of the year.

And then, invariable, life gets in the way and I started to question my commitment.

Then, after a fateful meeting at an event in March - the Men’s Symposium, I met an intriguing gentleman, who invited me to a new initiative he just started - a Men’s Group.

Prior to this, I’d wondered if such groups even existed. And so, I went to my first meeting.

And it was remarkable. To be fair, I didn’t know what to expect. Even so, it was nothing like I imagined (or feared).

The atmosphere was welcoming, the attendees were fully present, and I went away with a new sense of possibilities for the year.

This is an excerpt from a FB post I made about the event:

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Finally, in the evening, by invitation, I joined him and 3 other men in my first ever Men's Group. We watched a docu-film called 'The Work' by directors Jairus McLeary and Gethin Aldous (Men, you really should look this up and watch it. I don't recommend anything lightly, as those of you who've known me for some time will know).

We then came together afterwards to discuss the film and share our thoughts.

I must say that, prior to last night, I had never even really heard of Men's Groups. One of the reasons I joined last evening was that I had been feeling a sense of isolation for some time and, late last year, I realised how un-connected I was.

The main question in my mind was, 'Who can I open up to when I face problems?'

While amongst the others present last evening, I learned that I was not the only one asking this question.

So it was serendipitous that I met him at the Men's Symposium last Sunday and he happened to be hosting the Group yesterday.

Thank you for extending the invitation. I don't think you know what it means to me to have visited your Group. Nevertheless, I am deeply thankful that you reached out. I look forward to contributing more in the future if you'll have me.

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By the 3rd one or so, I was awash with a familiar doubt.

“I don’t feel like being there. How does this help me? I’m not making a difference there. Why bother?'“

I seriously contemplated not turning up for the next one.

“What difference would it make?” I asked myself.

It is at times like these that I realise how important to my mental well-being it is to make decisions before they need to be made. As I had already decided to keep attending early on, I kept to my decision.

And I never doubted myself in this area again.

Since that incident, I had ‘religiously’ been present at every monthly meeting.

At this point, having just attended the 10th session (I hope my math is right), I told the group my experience and that I had grown since that first meeting.

Because our meetings are meant to be private, I am not at liberty to disclose what we have discussed or done in them. Suffice it to say that I have found them to be an important part of my growth this year.

I am immensely grateful to have found this group of men. Though we aren’t necessarily ‘brothers in arms’ in closeness (yet), I know that I can count on at least some of them should I ever need to call for an listening ear or for help.

It is a relief to know that I am not the only one bothered by the oft-unspoken loneliness that many men face.

Though we may put on a brave front or say that we are fine, more often than not, we aren’t.

I believe that this needs to be a more widespread thing. And as I have been inspired, so shall I inspire others.

Perhaps in 2020, I will start one and see where that takes us. There is much to consider, of course, but, as one of the lessons I learned attending this Group, I need to take action, not just stay in my head.

Here’s to a connected 2020, for all men everywhere.

As The Year 2019 Ends, I Look Back And These Are Some Of My Thoughts

2019 isn’t quite over yet. And yet, there have been some significant differences between this year and the previous.

When this year started, I set myself a task to complete - to build new and maintain current relationships.

I started this because of a book that I read that profoundly affected my thinking.

Essentially, it reminded me that I could not live a life completely devoid of other people, at least not if I wanted to live a meaningful life.

Now, this all sounds really cliché and ‘obvious’.

I do have to give a bit of an explanation.

My tendency is to avoid human contact - mainly because I find people draining to be around. As such, I can go for tremendously long periods without interacting with another human being, even an online one - something most people find very odd.

As a result of this tendency, I have neglected a lot of relationships and avoided cultivating new ones.

It culminated in a year that felt extraordinarily low and depressing. That was 2018.

I didn’t want a repeat of that. Thus, I made a commitment to myself to do something about my relationships in 2019.

Was I fully successful? Likely not.

And yet, I know that I have put in a significant amount of effort and time into building up some of my relationships this year. And I’m glad to say that I have the improved relationships to show for it.

In terms of career / work, I’d say that this year was not great, but it was much better than last year. I’d also say that, through the building of relationships this year, I have set up a number of projects for next year. So I fully expect that 2020 will be an even better year!

I’ve been very inactive on social media this year, having gotten rather jaded with the whole content mill thing.

I have nothing against people who can consistently and comfortably put up useful and engaging content, but those who cannot need to stop trying so hard. I’ve lost count of the number of people I’ve blocked or removed from social media this year because their posts were annoying / inane. Clearly, they’ve been advised by someone to do it. And, truth be told, it’s not doing them favours.

Well, at this point, these are my main thoughts about 2019. Signing off until the next post!

Attending the Chung Cheng 80th (CCHS 80) Anniversary Homecoming Carnival @ Chung Cheng High School (Main) [CCHMS] (Where Else?)

This post is slightly late, considering that the event was almost 2 months ago!

Nevertheless, here it is!

The CCHS 80 Homecoming Carnival was a celebration of Chung Cheng High School (Main)’s 80th anniversary.

Needless to say, I was there as a proud alumnus.

Here are few pictures I took:

If you are looking for the high-res versions, drop me a message! :)

I Had An Epiphany. But It Was So Counter-Culture, I Initially Kept It To Myself.

Some months ago, after some conversations I had, I had an epiphany.

It could explain, at least in part, some of the nagging doubts I’ve been having throughout this year.

This is what I realised about myself, and I wrote it down in these words:

I DON'T want to touch as many lives as possible.

Before you frown any deeper, there is a second part:

I want to deeply impact a very few.

For so many years, I keep hearing advice about increasing my reach so I can impact as many lives as possible.

For example, I hear of music stars who record a single song and, because it reaches so many of their fans so quickly through so many channels, they earn a tidy income from the exposure. Their fans convert the people around them into more fans, advertisers can’t wait to sign them up for endorsement deals, and they get invited to exclusive events and perform on ever-larger stages.

It’s all about gaining leverage and using it to get yourself out of exchanging time for money. In the music star’s case, the recording of the song required spending time once. After that, it constantly ‘works for’ the star.

It sounded logical. And it was.

And I kept hearing this, especially from well-meaning fellow educators and trainers, especially those I knew from networking events and meetups.

Yet, there was always something about it that didn’t sit quite right with me. I didn’t know what it was, until recently.

It was the ‘volume’ of people that I was being told I had to reach that was bothering me. But why? What could have brought this on?

As I dug a little deeper, I was reminded of the times when I just started being a trainer and got affected by less-than-stellar feedback. Though these incidents didn’t happen often, every time they did, I felt bad.

Eventually, I learned to remove my focus on the negative feedback because they were the tiny minority. Most of my feedback was good. Some were great!

Why should I have to feel low if I had already tried multiple times to engage the student who ended up deciding that he/she didn’t want to be there in the first place and was adamant about keeping a bad attitude about it?

Wouldn’t it make more sense to focus on those who were eager to learn and apply themselves?

And these were the memories that made me realise that I had known all along that what I wanted to do was to focus - very sharply - on the very few upon whom I know I can have the greatest impact because we were compatible and we found each other at the right place at the right time. Sounds almost like a love story, doesn’t it?

I was then reminded of three students that I taught. Two of them went on to pursue education paths in the subject matter that I taught them, one locally and one overseas. In recent conversation, they expressed their gratitude for my being part of their decisions to learn more.

Another one became my colleague - a fellow trainer - teaching the same types of courses that I do even today.

Out of the thousands of students I’ve had, of whom I still keep in touch with a few, these were three that pointedly remind me about why I do what I do.

This is what I want to keep doing - to find the very few for whom I can deliver the deepest impact and help them effect the greatest change.

Doubtlessly, it will entail a certain amount of ‘outreach’, but this recent realisation has sharpened my focus and it will feature strongly in my goals for the upcoming year.